She really makes me work at this job of parenting; teaching responsibility, being on-time, minding one’s manners (not talking back is a big one). When have I succeeded, or fulfilled my role, at this job of parenting? Can someone, at least, tell me when I’m doing a good job?
First of all, I have no idea what I’m doing. (So, either a “yayyy,” or “neigh,” or thumbs-up or down would be greatly appreciated after reading this. I’m banking on everyone giving me a thumbs-up but, in the event of a negative thumbs-down reaction, just know that I know who you are!)
Secondly, I’m rewarding good behavior today, with my children, in the hopes of witnessing a miraculous turn-of-personality-emotions-event. I may be going out-on-a-limb here, but I can’t even think straight with her bedroom in the condition it’s in. Clothes scattered everywhere aren’t the main problem. It’s all the stuff in her room.
To give her credit, she has cleaned up what she can… or wants to. What remains are the two dressers, vanity, bed and stuffed animal collection. One can’t walk in this room of hers. There is not a spot of open floor visible. Oh yeah, I’ve brought up another bed too, which she wanted from the basement, so that is included in the disorderly-ramshackle of a room she has. Consequently, I start to go insane because there isn’t room for me to think. I work tirelessly making this environment of hers habitable.
At the day’s-end, when I have accomplished this mission, the phone rings alerting me of my child’s in-school-suspension. Stunned, yet not surprised of her hideous act, I realize I am now rewarding bad behavior. Suddenly, all my work and effort to model a good-parent, falls to the waist-side. When none of my work feels appreciated (the laundry, the sweeping, the scrubbing of HER bathroom, the cooking of HER dinner), the least she could do is be a good Samaritan.
Purposely being late in the mornings for school, taking her time to accomplish things (because I told her so) and talking-back to my directions is her way of getting back at me. Dropping her off at the bus stop this morning, just when I think I’ve held-my-own long enough and reminded her that I am the boss, she says, “It’s Tuesday. You have to pick me up today” and slams the car door in my face.
Really?
Yes, she had the last word.
With a huff of air, I drop my shoulders and lower my head because I know she’s right.
It’s Tuesday. I pick her up from school on Tuesday’s and we wait for her older sister to finish with practice.
In conclusion, in response to an article on Substack, written by Melinda Wenner Moyer, titled “Is My Kid the Asshole?”, yes, they’re all assholes!
Great read! I felt every bit of that! Thank you for sharing!
There's this Ribbon Cutting Ceremony (for 13 year olds) that is part of a larger program at my church in Brooklyn called Coming of Age. This ceremony is very moving. Often brings tears. Parents and child stand opposite of each other holding a ribbon between them. Some ceremonial words are said about how the ribbon symbolizes the bond that held parent and child together. Then a program leader goes down the middle (between the parents on one side and the youth on the other) with a pair of scissors, and cuts the ribbon. Parents and children almost feel a sense of shock as the cut ribbon falls, with each of the ends of the ribbon still being held in their hands.
Some of our youth that had very difficult relationships with their parents really benefited from this exercise (and the entire Coming of Age program) because the anger they felt -- I believe anyway -- was connected to this idea that the parent/child relationship doesn't evolve. Of course we know it does. But these angsty years of 12-17, can be really tough!
What "Ribbon Cutting Ceremony" could you have with your girls to acknowledge this particular time in all of your lives where the parent-child relationship is changing and that being an asshole is really unnecessary.
Here's a link to the entire program if you're curious: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_I3XnZd0BdhRldmczZOS3U5TkU/view?usp=sharing&resourcekey=0-VvWX0GsnoTalSCRiPDZYLA